Self

We all feel a little bit weird

Absurd

Outside the lines

When mandibles move

But aren’t quite aligned

When words trip over teeth

Making tongues get tied

You sell me your insecurities

A bargain buy

I’ll lend you mine

Return them

Just not on time

Cracks in the binding

Dog eared corners

Let me know you’ve seen this too

I wouldn’t iron any of it out

Don’t apologize

Or ask me if I mind

You were you

Before I saw your face

It’s not odd to feel out of place

Misplaced arrogance helps fools fit in

The sound of your own voice is never what you’ve known

That doubt is what lets your weakness show

Cover it with a coat of

Acceptance

By whom you know best

None of us are doing this right

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Vanilla

I don’t need to ask questions to know who you are

I pay attention to every move

Every breath

Every movement of the eyes

I listen to vowels and how they overlap

I knew I was being judged from the moment I arrived

You had made up your mind

Before I opened my mouth

Maybe that’s why I let it all spill out

No repercussions

Just a stranger

Who would become stranger still

You acted like the missed connection was because of a lack of intimacy

In reality

It was your need to jump into a closeness that naturally requires steps

Without any preparation

No rewards or take-backs

Sorry to disappoint

Like you said, “they” don’t like me

Your friends whom I’ve never met and never will

Yet you came in with their prejudice

Their stagnant ill will

This is how we function

And compartmentalize

We meet people with no purpose

Other than to see how far we can sneak inside

How deeply we can get under their skin

Suddenly pulling away

Like a ghost that was never really there

Never really felt or heard or seen

I’ll be a phantom

You’ll see a glimpse of

Randomly

When your mind is empty

Looking for possibility

That one you never really wanted

That one you just wanted to see

That creature behind glass

Free admission for a limited time

How curious real people are

Who love beyond self fulfillment

Who struggle

In order to thrive

What must that be like

To not be completely enthralled with self-satisfaction

To not dissolve when it gets difficult

To not walk away when you want to

I didn’t ask any questions

Your unsolicited statements

Spoke for themselves

Ten years is nothing

When you live all alone

On an island of Self

Freed Anxiety

I have nothing more to say

As all zeroes cross the board

Impending doom

Is just beneath dark circles taking hold beneath each mismatched eye

Hoping for optimism

As only the pessimistic do

Knowing which medicine to consume

Letting conspiracy stop my own attention to a cure that would make everything subside

Wondering if anxiety is simply an attempt to make consistency in misery feel fine

A line I cross when the forgotten well has run dry

Not knowing how to function in an existence

Possibly sublime

I seek out disfunction

In the form of distraction as I ask the heavens why

I’m determined to return

To a kingdom

I once called mine

Despite seeing nothing but uncharted seas and impassible mountainsides

With a forced smile on my lips

Challenge accepted

I know how sweet impossible can taste

I want to savor each drop

As I let it pass lips

Softer than you’d expect

I long to feed my hunger

With what I can’t quite reach

Wonder

We once called things unholy

Now all of our faith has been lost

What do we do when see evil

Not even hiding

In plain sight

Holding a cross

When the unspeakable is just a cartoon

When right and wrong are opinions

Everything is simply a different point of view

Is this just growing up

Is this a bite taken

From fruit

We were never meant to eat

I wonder about things too often

I wonder about things all of the time

I wonder about things until they are inside out

One day I’ll lose my mind

Masterpiece

I’m working overtime

Trying to turn this around

My state of mind

I don’t know why it hits

Or how it falls

But I feel

Two mountains

Imploding into themselves

As they collide

A generation of moving

Led to this catastrophe

We should have seen it coming

Closed eyes

Hear cars screeching

Feel blood seeping

I let everything gush out

I want a guarantee before I let

That slip out

Couldn’t keep it in again

Fake a smile again

Hush the connection again

Plug in

Circuit overload

Chaos is all I know

Someone needs to paint

A work of art from this mess

Be my own muse

I’ve got nothing left to prove

Medicine

I don’t have an answer

To your unasked questions

Invisible voices fading into the walls

I’ve been living

Under ancient ruins

Believing they’d be put back together soon

There’s no life in a graveyard

No savior in a coffin

A made up dream

We were told to create

Before we knew the limitations

Of earth’s gravitational force

Constantly pulling us back down

Constantly slowing the speed

Inertia takes hold

Routine on top

Of routine

On top of

Routine

I can’t spin in circles

Anymore

My mind travels at high speeds

Taken for granted

Assumptions over observations

I don’t want to figure this out

I want to smile and laugh

Without saying your name

Because you are here

And that’s all that we need

The only medicine I can keep down

Ashes

I’ve seen crushed flowers before

But I’ve never smelled the rain

Not like this

With traces of fallen ashes within each reflective drop

I want to knock you down

Just to build you up

I don’t know what this is

But it’s taking over

Everything in my head

I feel a tsunami coming in

My heart

Has been punched too much

The cogs just don’t turn

Right

Anymore

I never lost your name

Fame

What is it about fame?

This new obsession

Have we become so invisible

We need strangers

To make us feel seen

Community has always been necessary

A connection for a purpose

Of propulsion

In a hopefully positive way

But forgive me

I don’t find the value

In talentless

Effortless fame

That has no connection to a value

To humanitarian aim

If you want to become better

Hone a craft

By all means

Don’t let anything stand in your way

But if you want your face

To attract attention

Simply for being made

What is the aim

What is the fulfillment

No achievement to be sure

Just an existence that can talk about other fruitless gains

I’m sorry

I’m old fashioned

I just don’t understand

Fame

Down the Drain

I heard the water go down the drain

I knew you left

I could pound my chest

Scream at the sky

I remembered how you smiled

When I laughed

Like you were annoyed

I counted the pauses between my breaths

Sure to not sound panicked

You never even looked back

To see my faked composure

How I made those salty tears sing

Because I wouldn’t let you win

Funny thing is

I now know I’m still king

Because I don’t feel any incision

Made by you

In my chest cavity

All of those experiments on feelings

Come and gone

I left them all behind

With the bloodied gauze

The faux righteous cause

I didn’t know to have a disclaimer

My god

All of this hurt

Helped me rise

In the past

I would have apologized

For being too cold

For not crying enough

But now

I simply walk on

This world isn’t made for the strong

It’s made for the weak

Who pull themselves up

Watch out baby

I’ve been practicing my dead man planks

I’ve got my chin above the bar

Ain’t no room for you

Just me

My life

You silly boy

I’ll never be anybodies wife

Note To Self

So stop looking

Disappointment will cease

Scolding fleeting thoughts

For carrying false hope

In an idea

Never promised

Or even advertised

What can be harder to shake

Than your own concept

Of what destiny will be

When used car salesman

Offer you the deal of your life

You’re a big girl now

You know what a lemon looks like

But god damn

Do you miss the taste of that

Sweet

Sweet

Authentic country fair lemonade

The kind you saved up for

When you were a kid

And naive

And didn’t think about sugar

And how it rotted your teeth

And disassembled the inner workings

Of a body

Not yet solidified

From the staleness of disappointment

And defeat

No

You didn’t lose

Not yet

So don’t let them

Put a funnel in your mouth

You decide how many additives

And preservatives you’ll let be consumed

Before you finally see people

For who they are

And what they plan to take

Before leaving the love you gave

Ransacked

For whatever they lacked

It’s not you’re heart that’s to blame

Just your over eager imagination

Making up for their indifference

Life has been moving

While your heart has been breaking

It’s time to stop recording your mistakes

And start experiencing the freedom

To walk away