Sunday Morning

Beginning in the morning after coffee

Brown sugar dissolving into oatmeal

Apples cut for crunch

Impatience on the counter

Keeping hands away from hot metal

Snapping bacon

Steam from the mug

Calmed by the milk

Chocolate flavoring to reward for a week well fought

Eagerness in the excitement of a feast

Made once a week

In honor of who we are

What we’ve accomplished

Cuddle in the softness until the table is set

Small in a big way

It never tasted so good

Until you were here

No need for sprinkles

Only a dash of cinnamon

Vanilla to taste

Eggs are for strength

You’ll push aside half of it

Today I’ll let that slide

If you remember anything

Remember what Sunday morning tasted like

The texture of my Love

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Mine

One day I woke up

Saw what I had

Realized it was broken

Got out a hammer and nails

Accepted the paint on my sleeves

Sweat on my brow

Dirt between uneven fingers

I smiled when it hurt

I forgave myself

Still unsure if it was deserved

Not being perfect

I listened to demands coming from little mouths

Decided what was reasonable and what was code for something more

I created determination

From a speck of courage

That had fallen into a spot of pride

I skipped a few steps

But this family is mine

Weakness

I’ve been hemorrhaging

Faking color in my cheeks

Told it was uncomely to be so weak

Ironic because I’ve also been climbing up the summit

At a grueling pace

On my own

Two children clinging to my back

Yet weakness is seen in not always being happy

Experiencing all emotions

Even despair

You gasp at the thought

If being around such depression disgusts you

You don’t deserve my joy

Because when I see the sun

I magnify it’s glow

Knocked off my wooden ladder

I’m piecing it together rung by rung

When I get to the top

These mountains will sing

I’m not waiting for a hand to pull me up

Or ears to hear me cry

I see my downfalls

I feel my victories

I’m just trying to understand how I can feel so separated from ever human being

Not understanding how you could be so unabashedly mean

So unapologetically unfeeling

So callously cold

We have given our emotions to machines

Looking for instant gratification

Effort is a dirty word used for pathetic attachment

I refuse to buy into these lies

To lessen myself to only just comply

My worth has been shaken

But my will shall not break

I will love like the ocean

Receding when the tides pull me back

But always returning with an abundance of life

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to dance with me after the day has run out

I’ll be here each night in the dark

Dancing on my own

Campfire to keep me warm

Maybe one day you will look up

Come out of your self absorbed trance

Join me for a song

I’ll show you how to keep rhythm

You can tell me how to stay in step

Sad Song

I fell in love with an idea before I knew what it meant

When I caught a glimpse of it

It nearly destroyed me

I think of rain

On cracked asphalt

That smells like the sea

On newly trimmed grass

I taste the oysters dissolving on my tongue

I was there

With a ghost of you

My own death flashing before my eyes

Justice can never be served

To what was

In the curves of drenched eyelashes

I aged a decade in a week

In a city filled with Golden history

Sometimes I hear that song

I played while mourning for you

I feel myself come alive

Because losing you

Forced me to welcome back a piece of me that had died

A piece of me I left in the basement

Drawn on the drywall

Before being textured then painted

Never to be known

Until I stopped relying on curved shoulders

To carry me home

I’ve loved so many times

But only a few

Come to mind

You are one of the three

And my tongue sings with a taste of you now

Bitter in places

But I’ve let you go

The remnants of what was

Will be a white scar

On the lining of my rib cage

Pulsing to all of the sad songs

You told me to leave behind

I love remembering you when I cross a bridge

It reminds me how close I was

And that I’m still alive

Perfectly

Life was perfect

You completed your mediocre education at a not quite Ivy League

Married your semi-sweet half-hearted sweetheart

Had two perfectly spaced children

One adrenaline rich boy and one meek and mild girl

Lived a perfect Instagram framed life

In a perfect white washed house

You felt like something was missing

This is what you missed

The brokenness that inspires everything human

Heavenly or not

Nothing comes out of a “perfect” plan

Perfectly followed

Out of obligation

To a preordained way of life

That’s why they want to smother us out

The enlightened

The beaten

The comeback kids

The trailblazers exploring new ways

Making the earth change shapes

As we disturb the flow of time and space

Knowing the person we are proud to be

Came from being pushed around by all the people who did it “right”

Don’t plan on disaster

But realize tsunamis give little warning

Don’t build on broken pieces

But be aware that bridges built don’t last forever

Don’t refuse to ever feel again

Because the love you’ll find after being broken

Is mightier than all of the hurt you’ve ever known

If you let it be

Christmas Vice

Bitersweet

Memories

And

Ghosts

Following the edict

To be filled with nothing but

Joy

Some rules have good intentions

Still lacking practicality

It’s not all lost

Twinkling in the dark night

I’ve laughed and loved

Still time for cocoa and rum

So many ties

Cut at the seams

Throwing loose cloth

Into the sea

I remember love

Lost and found

Nothing sticks like blood

Until it’s diluted by a 12 pack

Harmless lack of prohibition

I’ve got my own family now

It won’t be me who walks away

One thing not out of my control

One thing worth working for

With

And

Towards

I’ll light up the runway

Every single year

Forgiveness is my vice

Forgetting to not care

Any warm heart is welcome

But you can keep your vindictive gifts

Wrapped with deceptive sheets of self sacrifice

I don’t accept collect calls

But I hear footsteps approaching my door

Love Economics

At a certain point

All value is lost

Maybe not internally

But when it comes to trade

To an exchange

To commitment

When running into violent arms was a way to cover up oozing scabs on the heart of a childhood self

When all backs were inexplicably turned

That’s all that will be seen

No matter how much silk is draped over the flawed exhibit

Lost men will be interested in the unique realness of a broken soul

Only until they are reminded of how the economics of love works

A mother is a mother to any lost child

But a father is only nurturing to blood

Even that isn’t guaranteed

Sexist

Politically incorrect

Experience

Prove me wrong

I dare you to look at me without trying to see past what’s in front of your face

I’ve felt love that was resented as it was given

I’ve felt when no one was returning that labor intensive effort

Too many times

Too many secret meetings

Too many faked guarantees

Too many hidden longings for the promised land

That has yet to be touched

That has yet to bear your promised fruit

That will be just as flawed as your plastic love

For a plastic person

In a plastic two story home

I hope you find it

I hope you eat it

I hope it tears out your insides

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal

Underneath

The surface doesn’t interest me

I want subcutaneous layers

Life has been painful

I don’t want to give that to you

Sometimes difficult

Getting upset over crumbs

Under the carpet

Because Love was never there

There’s no reason or logic to a broken heart

But you fill up the cracks

I need to bow down

To the power of your laugh

The wisdom in your ability to be impressed

They make me feel like you are a burden

But you are quite the opposite

One of those menacing lies

One of those self fulfilling prophecies

I just want to hold your light in both hands

Not be distracted by the fake fun being had

While half conscious

Losing heart and soul to a meaningless night

Believing it could have promise

Not sure if it is fate or naivety

You’re always bigger than what they seem

With their selfish aspirations

Self serving lives

Single is single

Solitary alone

Not duplicated

Not off for a period of time

Full time

One on one

I get you

Please, Lord

Help me appreciate each day

It’s hard to build a family out of clay

But you came in flesh and blood

Now to fix what I broke

When healing from my own wreckage

I loved you all the time

I swear it

I promise from the emptiness you filled up

At the bottom of my trembling heart

You will be with me

While I’m here

And when I’m gone

In the unseen fibers

That bind us together

That have yet to be discovered

That will make us feel at home

Long after walls have fallen down

Crooked Spine

I’ve lost all of my faith

What should be a suicide note has turned into a Declaration of Independence

From your opinion

Of my approach

To a meaningless life

That I feel determined

To fill up

With as many broken fragments

From experiences had

Enjoyed and survived

As will fit in my hollowed our pockets

Life is not a gift because of following some plotted out lines

It is a gift because of the determination of chaos to ensure that destination is never reached

That serendipitous torture

Of falling in and out of love

Finally the only person you look for

Is yourself

With your broken spine

You pin together

Without mentioning the hellacious pain

Because you know what people hear

Exactly what makes them feel good

A mother alone is nothing

Desired by kings

So the desert buried my sins

Carries my dreams

In a convertible leaving

Like I planned

Like dreamed

Like I did

You weren’t there

As I straighten my spine

Growing Up

Growing up

One stitch at a time

Blossoms came late

Hard to grow in November’s crispness

Followed trails made in the snow

Eventually they scattered

Left outside

Alone

Clenched fists

Wandering into a cement paved world

I met men

I met boys who thought they were men

Myself still a girl

Despite my bark

Despite my bite

No pinning back curls

I could point fingers

Talk about abandonment

None of that matters here

Rocky precipice

Mountain summit

I’ve been climbing

One arm behind my back

Lost in false promises

Games played

Trying our best not to feel

I don’t have to pretend anymore

Connections have all been lost

Impossible to rebuild

Mission accomplished

You made me numb

Realized

I don’t have to

Be looking for you

Be faking a smile

Be okay with never holding hands

All of the times I felt “love”

It was a mirage fueled embrace

Because I liked who I was

When you let it happen

Naturally

Without thinking of the consequences

Of connecting so close

I was able to let go

Able to breathe

Able to feel free

To think in complete thoughts

Run-on sentences

Laugh out loud

Enjoy what I loved

I’m done looking for someone

Who doesn’t want to be found