Crooked Spine

I’ve lost all of my faith

What should be a suicide note has turned into a Declaration of Independence

From your opinion

Of my approach

To a meaningless life

That I feel determined

To fill up

With as many broken fragments

From experiences had

Enjoyed and survived

As will fit in my hollowed our pockets

Life is not a gift because of following some plotted out lines

It is a gift because of the determination of chaos to ensure that destination is never reached

That serendipitous torture

Of falling in and out of love

Finally the only person you look for

Is yourself

With your broken spine

You pin together

Without mentioning the hellacious pain

Because you know what people hear

Exactly what makes them feel good

A mother alone is nothing

Desired by kings

So the desert buried my sins

Carries my dreams

In a convertible leaving

Like I planned

Like dreamed

Like I did

You weren’t there

As I straighten my spine

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Growing Up

Growing up

One stitch at a time

Blossoms came late

Hard to grow in November’s crispness

Followed trails made in the snow

Eventually they scattered

Left outside

Alone

Clenched fists

Wandering into a cement paved world

I met men

I met boys who thought they were men

Myself still a girl

Despite my bark

Despite my bite

No pinning back curls

I could point fingers

Talk about abandonment

None of that matters here

Rocky precipice

Mountain summit

I’ve been climbing

One arm behind my back

Lost in false promises

Games played

Trying our best not to feel

I don’t have to pretend anymore

Connections have all been lost

Impossible to rebuild

Mission accomplished

You made me numb

Realized

I don’t have to

Be looking for you

Be faking a smile

Be okay with never holding hands

All of the times I felt “love”

It was a mirage fueled embrace

Because I liked who I was

When you let it happen

Naturally

Without thinking of the consequences

Of connecting so close

I was able to let go

Able to breathe

Able to feel free

To think in complete thoughts

Run-on sentences

Laugh out loud

Enjoy what I loved

I’m done looking for someone

Who doesn’t want to be found

Want You to Be

Tiny bones I built myself covered with skin I painted

Sometimes you’re a clone

Later I have to trace the path on a map

To remember how I found you

The most important bond

Hard to describe

Hard to represent without softened edges

I like my pictures raw

That’s why I draw you with cuts on your knees

It’s how you’ll learn to survive

In a world that’s not fair

But claims to be

I could list all of my wants

But they really don’t matter

I want you to be

I want you to be

You’ll be who you are

I grew you from scratch

That doesn’t mean I got to choose your flavor

I’ll believe in you

In what you pursue

All I can do

Is point in directions until your shoulders no longer move

I’m not a saint

Never claimed to be

I’ve already messed up

Continental proportions

You’re built to bounce back

I know you will

I know you do

Cuddle you while I can

Let you feel love with warm winter blankets

You’re the best of me

Inside out

Carved into your own form

That’s all I ever wanted you to be

Imaginary Danger

Danger

Danger

My mind is dangerous

Thinking about how to move around

Immovable obstructions

I’ve been doing it all my life

Spike strips

To slow me down

I fly over your expectations

Silly

Trying to keep me from moving

Up the mountain

Towards the sun

Always towards that light

I might look at my feet

Stumble over loose shoe laces

But

I always stand back up

One foot in front of the other

Running pace

Isn’t even a race

Intimidated by my cat like dexterity

You think I might need

You

Shaking head

I’ve never needed anyone

What you don’t understand

The biggest compliment

I chose you

The biggest mistake

You chose to walk away

Not Anymore

We pick and choose

As if we have that right

As if our hearts follow our thoughts

An education is being had

Even if we don’t understand

About who we are

And most definitely are not

I am not your high-hilled vixen with silicone tits

But I am the girl in sneakers

Waiting to hold your hand

Through the forest

Near the seas

I am not your once in a while hook up

But I am the obsession you think about when you bite into your morning toast

I am not your pal you leave behind for the guys

But I am the woman you want to hear laugh with all the honesty of a child

I can be your last and only

But I can’t be your one of many

I can play

But not for long

My stamina is never ending

But my mind gets bored

When my heart moves on

I used to hold it against you

If we just couldn’t be

I just don’t live that way

Not anymore

I talk about

Think about

Write about

Love

Come and gone

Because it’s always on the edge of my tongue out of habit

Out of rhythm and song

Honestly

I know

I’m worth everything you’re accidentally

Throwing away

One day you’ll start to recycle

Come across my name

I’ll be on a beach

In Fiji

My number won’t be the same

You will ponder where in the world I am

I’ll scratch my nose

Wonder who it is

That is thinking of me

So far away

I’m sorry you just didn’t see me

When I needed to be seen

When I wanted to be held

By your adoring gaze

Clarity

Then a moment of clarity

Peace

Resistance faded

Even if just a moment

Where leaves hold their place

Regrowth begins

From the ash

From the rubble

No reason

No great event

This is how we start again

With small steps

One

Then two

Then three

Every good day

Is something

Every opportunity is reviewed and considered

Making the climb

Hourly

And

Weekly

And

Infinitely

Purpose is ubiquitous but still undefined

Carry kindness in your heart

Even when resentment fills up your eyes

It’s not fair

It never was

Still you see a sun that never dies

Despite the clouds

Despite the hate

Your world spins around

You’ll grow accustomed to its constant motion

Once you learn to find your own momentum

Listen to the wind

It brings serenity

With its calming nature

If you have the wisdom

To let it in

Slow Dancing

Words are faint

Unimportant

When you don’t wish to find

Who is on the other side

Explaining motives is pointless

How stories unfolded

How things came and went

What’s happening now

In this moment

Is all we are willing to spend

On people

And moments

I invested in an idea

Foolish

To say the least

Where I would be everything

Because I held onto what is real

Trouble is

My reality isn’t like yours

With all of your screens

Intake and upgrade

My roots cling to the dirt

Old fashioned

And outdated

Obviously obscene

Expecting to be accepted for what is

Not for what could be

I dance across your thoughts delicately

Claiming each frame

But I’ll never be more than a trivial dream

Of what could be if things were a bit more antiquated

A bit slower than this fast moving train

It’s a shame in the end

All of those things we’ll never do

Those things you’ll never be able to comprehend

Absence

What do you think about

In between

You

And

Me

Endless solar systems

Colliding

Into supernova

Black holes

Consuming themselves

Until time becomes

Calm

Slow moving

Your mind burns my eyes

Trying to follow you in a line

That begins where it starts and curves where it bends

Whispering condescension

Over my spine

Eyes looking up

Pretending

You’re mine

Even if I never catch that

White rabbit

I’ll never forget where he took me

While I tried and I tried

Truth

Truth only comes out one way

Until it’s splintered into spectrums

The only thing not absolute

Is what happened and why

Covering up interpretations of

“I never loved you”

Only a believer makes this statement

Come alive

The actions

Don’t speak

But they hold more

Truth

Than your eyes

Than your mouth

Your vengeance spewing mouth

In all of its holy disgust

That held me in its grasp

I’ve loved many times

Bullets still inside

More damage if removed

My truth

Is your catastrophe

I’ve heard it my whole life

Pretty girl

Folded limbs

She likes to come off cold

Make her angry

Then you’ll see

She may have just gone mad

Truth is you are talking to me

And I hear every word

Truthful or not

No Refunds

Tiny splinters in the crease

Constant pain

Picking at calluses

Hardening skin

Always something

Something

Something

Needing to be done

Needing to be completed

Needing to be turned in

Turned over

Put back in place

Distract with love

Distract with hate

Keep on going

Pushing

Pulling

Assembly in process

Batteries not included

Go and go

Don’t sleep

Sleep and keep eyes open

Turn objects into gold

Manipulate time into an item

A commodity

A piece of plastic

That can be bought

Stolen

Traded

Manipulated

But never returned

No Never returned

No refunds on lost time