Self

We all feel a little bit weird

Absurd

Outside the lines

When mandibles move

But aren’t quite aligned

When words trip over teeth

Making tongues get tied

You sell me your insecurities

A bargain buy

I’ll lend you mine

Return them

Just not on time

Cracks in the binding

Dog eared corners

Let me know you’ve seen this too

I wouldn’t iron any of it out

Don’t apologize

Or ask me if I mind

You were you

Before I saw your face

It’s not odd to feel out of place

Misplaced arrogance helps fools fit in

The sound of your own voice is never what you’ve known

That doubt is what lets your weakness show

Cover it with a coat of

Acceptance

By whom you know best

None of us are doing this right

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Vanilla

I don’t need to ask questions to know who you are

I pay attention to every move

Every breath

Every movement of the eyes

I listen to vowels and how they overlap

I knew I was being judged from the moment I arrived

You had made up your mind

Before I opened my mouth

Maybe that’s why I let it all spill out

No repercussions

Just a stranger

Who would become stranger still

You acted like the missed connection was because of a lack of intimacy

In reality

It was your need to jump into a closeness that naturally requires steps

Without any preparation

No rewards or take-backs

Sorry to disappoint

Like you said, “they” don’t like me

Your friends whom I’ve never met and never will

Yet you came in with their prejudice

Their stagnant ill will

This is how we function

And compartmentalize

We meet people with no purpose

Other than to see how far we can sneak inside

How deeply we can get under their skin

Suddenly pulling away

Like a ghost that was never really there

Never really felt or heard or seen

I’ll be a phantom

You’ll see a glimpse of

Randomly

When your mind is empty

Looking for possibility

That one you never really wanted

That one you just wanted to see

That creature behind glass

Free admission for a limited time

How curious real people are

Who love beyond self fulfillment

Who struggle

In order to thrive

What must that be like

To not be completely enthralled with self-satisfaction

To not dissolve when it gets difficult

To not walk away when you want to

I didn’t ask any questions

Your unsolicited statements

Spoke for themselves

Ten years is nothing

When you live all alone

On an island of Self

Freed Anxiety

I have nothing more to say

As all zeroes cross the board

Impending doom

Is just beneath dark circles taking hold beneath each mismatched eye

Hoping for optimism

As only the pessimistic do

Knowing which medicine to consume

Letting conspiracy stop my own attention to a cure that would make everything subside

Wondering if anxiety is simply an attempt to make consistency in misery feel fine

A line I cross when the forgotten well has run dry

Not knowing how to function in an existence

Possibly sublime

I seek out disfunction

In the form of distraction as I ask the heavens why

I’m determined to return

To a kingdom

I once called mine

Despite seeing nothing but uncharted seas and impassible mountainsides

With a forced smile on my lips

Challenge accepted

I know how sweet impossible can taste

I want to savor each drop

As I let it pass lips

Softer than you’d expect

I long to feed my hunger

With what I can’t quite reach

Fame

What is it about fame?

This new obsession

Have we become so invisible

We need strangers

To make us feel seen

Community has always been necessary

A connection for a purpose

Of propulsion

In a hopefully positive way

But forgive me

I don’t find the value

In talentless

Effortless fame

That has no connection to a value

To humanitarian aim

If you want to become better

Hone a craft

By all means

Don’t let anything stand in your way

But if you want your face

To attract attention

Simply for being made

What is the aim

What is the fulfillment

No achievement to be sure

Just an existence that can talk about other fruitless gains

I’m sorry

I’m old fashioned

I just don’t understand

Fame

Note To Self

So stop looking

Disappointment will cease

Scolding fleeting thoughts

For carrying false hope

In an idea

Never promised

Or even advertised

What can be harder to shake

Than your own concept

Of what destiny will be

When used car salesman

Offer you the deal of your life

You’re a big girl now

You know what a lemon looks like

But god damn

Do you miss the taste of that

Sweet

Sweet

Authentic country fair lemonade

The kind you saved up for

When you were a kid

And naive

And didn’t think about sugar

And how it rotted your teeth

And disassembled the inner workings

Of a body

Not yet solidified

From the staleness of disappointment

And defeat

No

You didn’t lose

Not yet

So don’t let them

Put a funnel in your mouth

You decide how many additives

And preservatives you’ll let be consumed

Before you finally see people

For who they are

And what they plan to take

Before leaving the love you gave

Ransacked

For whatever they lacked

It’s not you’re heart that’s to blame

Just your over eager imagination

Making up for their indifference

Life has been moving

While your heart has been breaking

It’s time to stop recording your mistakes

And start experiencing the freedom

To walk away

Sissy

Bubble gum

Pop pop

Long hair

Don’t care

Making people

Out of putty

No time

To get muddy

Move on

Skate on

Cartwheel in the living room

Spun spun sugar

Sneakers in a knot

You’ve got something honey

We can make it without money

No need to say

You’re sorry

I heard you in the living room

Singing without worry

I know love Is true

When you bring me honeydew

Watermelon seeds

In a pile

Make up for

That extra mile

If I had a best friend

I’d pick you

Love is a girl

And she’s mine

Even in the summertime

The Gift

There is unexplained hope in every broken promise

Survival of the optimistic pessimist

Where envy meets admiration

Where rationality surrenders to surrealism

Achievable only in total desolation

Given as a gift

Wrapped in carefully folded black matte paper

Brilliantly multi-colored metallic Confetti filled inside

That doesn’t spring out when revealed

Rather carefully reveals itself

Falling to the ground

One color changing piece at a time

Until a pile of joyful surprise sits in its useless state

Bringing unexplained happiness to a neutral colored face

Because once the dismal is lived through

The sweetness is taken in one granulated piece at a time

Never to be overly pronounced or exaggerated

Simply taken in from a slow absorption

Cautiously letting the bad be neutralized

Knowing darkness springs from nowhere

And is much harder to tame

Rationing the kindness

In a silo

For when winter inevitably returns

Because just as surely as the summer

Comes fall

But just as surely as the winter

Comes spring

In all things

Find peace

Resolution

The mind is a dirty bastard

Working against itself

It seems

Picking up pebbles of doubt

Planted by self assured narcissists

Blindly running off cliffs

Claiming the high dive is what they were trying to achieve

My voice is muffled

Until it bleeds

Crying out for acknowledgment

From a society busy posting selfies

#trueself #betterself #bewhoyouwanttobe

With thigh gaps

And balancing knee caps

Superficiality is king

I want to solve problems

Make my cardboard world better

But it feels

Like

I’ve never been seen

Maybe that’s how it starts

A disappearance of self

An acknowledgment of a flawed whole

This year is for improvement

And confidence

Not in appearance

But in power

In actions

In measurable goals

Being achieved

Love Song

I fell in love with a song today

Bought every word that stranger sang

Didn’t matter my hair was a mess

My crinkled smile was the best

No pressure to be what he wanted

No high or low expectations to meet

Just a hook with a hell of a beat

I couldn’t stop tapping my feet

Not putting on a show

My heart just couldn’t say “no”

Until the song stopped

I played it again

Memorized the vowels

The broken down sounds

The syllables split

So that bass could hit

This is my kind of love

Straight from above

Stuck in my head

Sweeter words have never been heard

I don’t want to know the man

He’d be a disappointment from limb to limb

I want him to live in this album

Through vibrations

Careful calibrations

Let me Dance the night away

Couldn’t keep my feelings at bay

Flaws

Everything you hate about me 

Is a piece of yarn 

Scrunched together 

In the corner

Of my room

Gathering dust

I straightened it out the other day

Carefully draped it across the ceiling 

A decoration 

An adornment 

To my bedroom

Where I rest 

Where I contemplate

Where I problem solve

I tried cutting pieces of it out

Scissor’s blades were too dull 

I tried staring at it until it shined

Yarn is yarn

And always will be

I just let it sit

Got used to it

Accustomed to it

Fond of it

You came into my room 

Said I should tear it all down

I told you 

You could leave

You didn’t like that

Being told

Your advice being left at the door

You sulked around 

Pretended to be more upset than you were 

I offered you a cup of coffee

We sat in the decorated room

Stared at the ceiling dressed with my flaws of yarn

Every sip interrupted silence

You looked at me

Hiding a change of heart

“I’ve got yarn at home

I could bring it by”

“What color is it”

“Does it matter?”

“Not at all

I’ll help you hang it up 

High”