Silly Girl

When I was a little girl

With big blue eyes

I was promised something other than

What I found inside

Sometimes I still chase rainbows

Silly girl

Sometimes is still get lost in a song

Silly girl

Sometimes I still fall in love with a stranger

Silly girl

Come back home

Where the world is big

Roads are endless

Arms are open

Time is abundant

Silly girl

Silly girl

Never lose your love for those hills

Begging to be explored

Mountains calling you to meet them at the top

Silly girl

Silly girl

Silly girl

Never forget the strength you have

With two bloody knees

Because even when the world knocked you down

You stood back up and screamed

“You’ll listen because you can’t resist

You’ll see me in your dreams

Not because my lips are crimson

But because my heart is true

And my spirit wild

I’ll always be a part of you”

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Erased

Avoiding topics

Bruising the heart

Mind spins webs around unsolvable problems

Until they are trapped

In their own silky tomb

Looking up

Reaching arms around

Instinct to embrace what feels like home

Only to be voided

From existence

Native lands

Erased

Jumping trains

Hitching rides

Moving so many times

All of my books are shredded notes

Connected by a weakening spine

Maybe I’ll forget you

Leave you by the stale water I found you

Scares me more

Than being punched by your vicious

Blood thirsty

Soul

To lose you entirely

Would be a monumental devastation

All of the things I planned to do with you

All of the nothing we shared

I guess that’s how humans connect

Temporarily

Until we fall apart

Brush the pieces to the side

Composedly walk away

Leaving shaking hands

For lonely nights

And bottled fears

For happy hour

When we numb our senses

And feel normal

Again

At first it felt good

Then it felt bad

Then it felt like nothing

Nothing consumed everything

Nothing is all there is

Annihilation

When the ocean takes back what she owns

I hope someone finds the remains of our homes

I hope they find the good and the bad

The salt that we created

The love that didn’t always show

I hope they find evidence of hard work and suffering

Of thankfulness and laughter

Of homemade paintings left to dry in the garage

I hope they find words we carved into walls

Tracing steps of adventures

Marking memories with velvet tipped pens

I hope they find bones that carried too much weight

That moved when they ached

I hope they find pictures that meant something more

Than poses and facades we should have just ignored

I hope they know we tried our best

We learned

We laughed

We built

We cured

When it’s time for the earth to shift

No preparation can prevent life from starting over again

We had our chance

Now we become artifacts

Lost at sea

Her Story

A boy

Sits in a room

Carving letters

Into a wooden dresser

Wishing his mother would see him

Wishing his father would stop pushing him down stairs

Wiggling the pocket knife

To deepen the groove

He lets anger

All but consume

What if he was loved

And felt free

Someday he’ll have that

Someday they’ll see

All the things they did wrong

All the things he was doing right

When someone new sees him

Finds him to be just right

A girl stands looking at a valley

Filled with sagebrush and dirt

Lets the wind brush back her hair

Pretends that’s why her eyes water

Wishing she were one of the girls who never cried

But why does it matter when your always alone

She wrote stories in a journal

Of climbing on the back of motorcycles

Being taken far away from anyone she’s ever known

Starting over in a big city

Calling it home

He would get her

And it would be all that she needed

They collided like rock stars

Pounding their fists at the night

He wanted to hold on so tight

He nearly tore her apart

She tried to let it happen

She wanted it to be the last one

Knuckles went through drywall

Glass was in her skin

Blood was normal

Bruises were common

When she knew she had to leave

He wouldn’t let her go

So he took her and forced her

Two became three

One last time

She tried to be strong enough for what had now become all four

Until she realized

He would be the death of more than her demoralized soul

Now she stands all alone

On the edge of a cliff

Letting the wind brush back her hair

Nothing has changed

Everyone left

Forever alone

She’ll be responsible for everything

Two little lives added to the story

Everyone throws at her like it’s a debt to be paid

For tying to love

For trying to be okay

For letting a hurt that seemed familiar

Take over everything

She’ll do it

She’ll make it through one more time

But she sees you

She remembers all that you did and didn’t do

All that you said

All that you whispered

All the messages ignored

It might not matter to you

But today

She tells the world

Dirty Life

“Dirty Life”

Life has taught me dirt is okay

We need it to feel clean

Nothing like watching mud go down the drain

After a day that ripped your heart out

After a day that left you doubting everything

Mothers will hold you

Until they despise you

They will tally up all they are owed

Fathers will mention you

Until they forget to

No one goes blamelessly down the road

Lovers will cherish you

Until they don’t want to

For no reason at all

Just tired of things being the same

Tired of whispering your name

I hold onto pebbles

Encase them

Painfully process their minerals into my veins

Once a pearl is exposed

Everyone takes note

Until a diamond appears from some rich girl’s throat

Everyone walks away

Not the peaks that outshine the valleys

The eyes that trick the brain

That shady rest

Under a hidden oak tree

Ants don’t care about your real name

Jackpot

The moment life makes sense

We stop needing

Start breathing

Simply feel alive

Too Much

I cried myself to my feet this morning

It felt like no one cared

I don’t know how so many people can move

When the dirt keeps pushing us down

Sometimes trenches become our home

No matter how many ladders are thrown in

Once you’ve seen a dead body

It’s hard to look anyone in the eye

They may be taken away

Or infinitely worse

They may just choose to leave

Eventually you learn how to walk again

Neck fully exposed

Shoulders back

But it doesn’t come without cost

There’s a numbness inside

So when you kiss a man on bended knee

He tastes like chalk

And moves like vapor

Some people don’t understand

They think every action deserves a consequence

They don’t realize that’s only a strategy

Every bad behavior comes from a crack

As we pass it down the line

Taking hits

Giving kicks

Hoping someday to have it better

I love

All the time

Even when I cry

Maybe that’s why

My shell is so hard

There is already too much inside

(Don’t) Let It In

Take it drop it feel it kill it

Don’t let it in

Don’t let it in

It will beat on your walls

Don’t let it in

It will scream in your ear

Call out your name

Don’t let it in

It will try to drag you away

I warned you

I told you what to never say

Don’t let it in

It will melt your sanity

Carry away your free will

Demand more than you have

Kick you when you’ve never been anywhere

But down

Don’t let it in

It will take who you are

Turn it inside out

Poke tiny holes

And watch all of you spill out

Don’t let it in

If you’ve felt it deep inside

You know what it is

If you haven’t

Take heed

Don’t let it in

Everything

Sometimes it’s so cold

My breath fills up the air

And oh my

How beautiful that is

Between lacquered oak

And frozen copper

Tiny crystals of snow

Tumbling inside

I taste you

Like hair curling on tendons

In the neck

The first glimpse

Of color in the eye

There’s a reason I’m drawn to your flickering light

There’s a reason neither of us can ever stay gone

Plunging into frozen water

I embrace who I am

I was always enough

I feel everything in the dusty air

Everything

Sometimes it’s so cold

My breath fills up the air

And oh my

How beautiful that is

Between lacquered oak

And frozen copper

Tiny crystals of snow

Tumbling inside

I taste you

Like hair curling on tendons

In the neck

The first glimpse

Of color in the eye

There’s a reason I’m drawn to your flickering light

There’s a reason neither of us can ever stay gone

Plunging into frozen water

I embrace who I am

I was always enough

I feel everything in the dusty air

Prevention

“I’ve done something bad,”

She whispered

Crying was never something she did in public

Until she broke

And couldn’t stop

“I don’t know how to go back,”

Her voice filled with tremors

“They told me

I was a sinner

From the time I was born

Then they all walked away

When I fulfilled their prophecy

I wanted to be rescued

But nobody came

Now I’m being swallowed alive

As people walk by

They say

‘Stay strong’

I want all of them

To feel

What it feels like inside

But none of them will sit

And just to say ‘hi’

I’m a threat

I’m a bother

I’m a complication

I don’t move how they like

This boulder was mine

Before I knew who I was”

She slightly pulled up her long skirt

Revealing a rope tied around her ankle

She pushed on the boulder

That was carefully positioned

To effortlessly roll off the cliff

Her face wasn’t surprised

When the weight pulled her down

The sorrow surrounded her

That kept the screaming down

The crowd gasped

And ran over

To see where her body lie

“What a waste”

“What a tragedy”

“I knew her”

One voice said while shaking its human head

“You never know what someone is going through”

“Someone should help them”

“There’s a number they can call”

They all washed their hands

And shared some bread

It was lunch time

Food mustn’t go to waste