Masterpiece

I’m working overtime

Trying to turn this around

My state of mind

I don’t know why it hits

Or how it falls

But I feel

Two mountains

Imploding into themselves

As they collide

A generation of moving

Led to this catastrophe

We should have seen it coming

Closed eyes

Hear cars screeching

Feel blood seeping

I let everything gush out

I want a guarantee before I let

That slip out

Couldn’t keep it in again

Fake a smile again

Hush the connection again

Plug in

Circuit overload

Chaos is all I know

Someone needs to paint

A work of art from this mess

Be my own muse

I’ve got nothing left to prove

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Medicine

I don’t have an answer

To your unasked questions

Invisible voices fading into the walls

I’ve been living

Under ancient ruins

Believing they’d be put back together soon

There’s no life in a graveyard

No savior in a coffin

A made up dream

We were told to create

Before we knew the limitations

Of earth’s gravitational force

Constantly pulling us back down

Constantly slowing the speed

Inertia takes hold

Routine on top

Of routine

On top of

Routine

I can’t spin in circles

Anymore

My mind travels at high speeds

Taken for granted

Assumptions over observations

I don’t want to figure this out

I want to smile and laugh

Without saying your name

Because you are here

And that’s all that we need

The only medicine I can keep down

Ashes

I’ve seen crushed flowers before

But I’ve never smelled the rain

Not like this

With traces of fallen ashes within each reflective drop

I want to knock you down

Just to build you up

I don’t know what this is

But it’s taking over

Everything in my head

I feel a tsunami coming in

My heart

Has been punched too much

The cogs just don’t turn

Right

Anymore

I never lost your name

Weakness

I’ve been hemorrhaging

Faking color in my cheeks

Told it was uncomely to be so weak

Ironic because I’ve also been climbing up the summit

At a grueling pace

On my own

Two children clinging to my back

Yet weakness is seen in not always being happy

Experiencing all emotions

Even despair

You gasp at the thought

If being around such depression disgusts you

You don’t deserve my joy

Because when I see the sun

I magnify it’s glow

Knocked off my wooden ladder

I’m piecing it together rung by rung

When I get to the top

These mountains will sing

I’m not waiting for a hand to pull me up

Or ears to hear me cry

I see my downfalls

I feel my victories

I’m just trying to understand how I can feel so separated from ever human being

Not understanding how you could be so unabashedly mean

So unapologetically unfeeling

So callously cold

We have given our emotions to machines

Looking for instant gratification

Effort is a dirty word used for pathetic attachment

I refuse to buy into these lies

To lessen myself to only just comply

My worth has been shaken

But my will shall not break

I will love like the ocean

Receding when the tides pull me back

But always returning with an abundance of life

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to dance with me after the day has run out

I’ll be here each night in the dark

Dancing on my own

Campfire to keep me warm

Maybe one day you will look up

Come out of your self absorbed trance

Join me for a song

I’ll show you how to keep rhythm

You can tell me how to stay in step

Crooked Spine

I’ve lost all of my faith

What should be a suicide note has turned into a Declaration of Independence

From your opinion

Of my approach

To a meaningless life

That I feel determined

To fill up

With as many broken fragments

From experiences had

Enjoyed and survived

As will fit in my hollowed our pockets

Life is not a gift because of following some plotted out lines

It is a gift because of the determination of chaos to ensure that destination is never reached

That serendipitous torture

Of falling in and out of love

Finally the only person you look for

Is yourself

With your broken spine

You pin together

Without mentioning the hellacious pain

Because you know what people hear

Exactly what makes them feel good

A mother alone is nothing

Desired by kings

So the desert buried my sins

Carries my dreams

In a convertible leaving

Like I planned

Like dreamed

Like I did

You weren’t there

As I straighten my spine

Flaws

Everything you hate about me 

Is a piece of yarn 

Scrunched together 

In the corner

Of my room

Gathering dust

I straightened it out the other day

Carefully draped it across the ceiling 

A decoration 

An adornment 

To my bedroom

Where I rest 

Where I contemplate

Where I problem solve

I tried cutting pieces of it out

Scissor’s blades were too dull 

I tried staring at it until it shined

Yarn is yarn

And always will be

I just let it sit

Got used to it

Accustomed to it

Fond of it

You came into my room 

Said I should tear it all down

I told you 

You could leave

You didn’t like that

Being told

Your advice being left at the door

You sulked around 

Pretended to be more upset than you were 

I offered you a cup of coffee

We sat in the decorated room

Stared at the ceiling dressed with my flaws of yarn

Every sip interrupted silence

You looked at me

Hiding a change of heart

“I’ve got yarn at home

I could bring it by”

“What color is it”

“Does it matter?”

“Not at all

I’ll help you hang it up 

High”

The Tracks

Shoes tapping

Waiting for a sound

Vision blurred 

Impaired 

Intended to dull the pressure

Of ribs crushing in

She was perfect 

And soft

Covered in incandescence 

Her voice was an octave off

He loved the way her nose would crinkle 

She traced the profile of his face 

Felt the rise and fall of his lips

Let her breath fill up his lungs

But that was last night

Before he came home

An hour too soon

To find the door locked

Bolted 

Welded to be air tight

He could see shadows 

Knowing more than one body was inside

He felt fear turn into anger turn into rage turn into hate

Trying to open

Tear down

Demolish the obstacle blocking his way inside

She gave no explanation for the man who fled into the night

“You had to see this coming” 

Were the words used to fill her bags packed 

Waiting for daylight

“Yesterday you loved me”

“I don’t think I ever did”

Stomach

Liver

Spleen 

Dropped from the inside 

Emptiness took over 

As a man began to scream

Pedestrians bundled 

Sped up their pace 

The sounds of a desperate man 

Aren’t muffled to make you feel safe

The scene had been set

The climax complete

What could come next

He felt nothing below his feet

He walked on sand to get more liquor

Eyes that have no life reveal more than words of despair

He started to cross the tracks 

When he felt the vibrations of a permanent solution

Shoes tapping 

Waiting for a sound

Fog delayed the big reveal

No time to think 

The sound of inevitability blew from the train

Loud and obstinate

The train held its course

Last night I heard a man crying like no human thing should 

I walked quickly the other way

Headline reads

“Suicide Suspected for Man Hit by Train”

Middle-aged man shakes his head 

“Can’t they just do it alone 

In their home

Train’s been off schedule for the past thirty years”

I saw a man standing by the tracks at night

His eyes were empty 

They no longer had life

I tapped him on the shoulder

Offered to buy a coffee for us both

He cried like a human

Made me genuinely feel

It’s weird how kindness

Can save everything 

When we let it be real

 

Concoction 

Coffee

Heats the tongue

That tasted your lips

Sang the song

That sutured my soul

Threw the words 

That severed bonds of blood 

I feel everything

Using my heart as a sev

To filter out the bad 

Let it flow through 

Unfortunately new mixtures have been concocted that stick to the sides

Holding on to bronchioles all the way to the alveoli  

I can still breathe most of the time

Every once in a while 

Pneumonia sets in

Fills my guts with the pain all over again

The pain of being left 

The pain of being overlooked 

The pain of not being important to you

The pain of being wrongfully blamed

Fathers 

And mothers

And sisters 

Honorarily so

What’s the point of giving honors 

When everyone walks past your name

Overly emotional 

I guess I didn’t know it was just a game

Jumping from lover to lover

Isn’t my thing

But here I stand 

Placing tally marks on the wall

I was too sad

I was too crazy

I was too happy to just be with you

Now I fill emptiness

With caffeine and nicotine

At least they warn me of their disease

I can feel it spread

It doesn’t catch me by surprise 

Once the sun comes up

Another day’s outline

Breaking news

You left me too

Crazy

You want to see it all

You want to walk the plank

Staring evil

From the depths of the seas

Into its own dark face

Jaws widening

Teeth sharpening in place

Eyes retracting for the bite

That was fueled with the ammunition

Of self hate

Taught

Received

Engraved

Tightened

With tendons

To hold it in place

I let a man 

Break me

Night 

After night 

After night

Normal people don’t react that way

Tell me it was lies

Tell me I’m paranoid 

You know what evil people do?

They place crazy in 

Innocent girls’ heads

Die Alone

I’m trying so hard

Not to let 

Vinegar

Into my pores

I’m trying not to care

I’m trying not to feel

Needles in my wrist

Needles in my eyes

When I try to feel anything

It comes out twisted

Walking away

Turning away

Nobody stays 

Nobody holds on

You think his hands around my neck 

Was the problem

How about family burning my living body

Screaming I’m alive 

As they send me out to sea

A pyre of living bones

You don’t know what it’s like to be born alone

To live alone

To want nothing more 

Than to not be alone

You cursed at my existence

You put burdens on my chest

I know you hate when I let vulnerability show

Fuck you for that

I hate you

For not letting me grow

I’m not supposed to want it

I’m not supposed to seek it out

But we’re born sewn to another piece of flesh

Ripped apart

Only to feel half gone 

All the time 

Until a half is made whole

Or we just die alone