The Covenant

 I’m the person you write stories about

Not the person writing the book 

What an everglow it would be to hear from the other side

The one who is doing it wrong

I was given a choice 

Between

Being moderately in love forever 

Or

Being madly in love for a moment

It wasn’t until I lost you

I realized the memory

Of this unfortunate covenant 

That doomed me 

To dream of you 

Every mutilating night

For all of the incessantly 

repetitive 

eternal

nights 

I will gaze into your eyes that hold an abyss of secrets

In all of your luciferic state

The very appearance of the planet Venus while pretending to be the morning star

But your finger will never again touch my skin

Although I thirst for your bite 

At all hours of the night 

Treacherous Chances

Not stopping

Not giving itself time

Turning into knots

Most treacherous kind

Entangling vital organs

Stopping the flow of blood

Loving someone once

Capricious feelings at best

Life felt uninhibited

And clouds were close enough to touch 

Then you took off from a shoddy runway  

Left your flight plan slightly skewed 

The only way back down 

Was to return to what you knew

Watching

Hoping you’d land back here

Ironing creases out of broken bones

Realizing looking up

Again

Making one-sided plans

With pure intentions

That have not been proven

Or tested

But lived out in nightly dreams

Where you tell me 

Everything will be okay

Opening eyes to daylight

Reality hitting one molecule at a time

All that you see

Is a waste of time

A challenging climb

A prize not worth the crime

No logic lost

Life didn’t always have radioactive spider webs 

Still no one wanted to sit side by side

No feast at a table now

Dining at a cold metal slab

No one knows where the meat 

Found in the stew

Came from 

Those bones look close to home

Once

I was a little girl once

Narrow bridge

Across my nose

Freckled stepping stones

Into my koi pond eyes

Lined with plastic optimism 

One inch thick

Covered by cautious brows 

That questioned intentions

Of hands raised high 

Coming towards me

Turning the other cheek

Like good little Christians do

Chaste until the day I realized 

You didn’t give a damn

Holding hands for fun

Pretending to be entertained

Very rarely fooled by the games boys

Try

To play

But I went along

Hands folded in my lap

Pleasant smile across my thinning face 

As I waited for life to start

More possibilities faded away

Body morphing into a home

For new life

Now expected to 

“Do a job”

I never meant to do alone 

But

He broke more than my heart

Still

Being judged by every 

Muddy 

Obstructed

Pious 

Soul

That never had someone give up 

On them

When they 

Had stepped in a trap

Because a father’s love 

Is currency 

I’ve been bankrupt since thirteen

When life got confusing

And everyone just stopped 

Which is okay

Unless it’s just you

Then you’re doing it wrong

Because no one is under your bed

Telling you they know 

What it’s like 

When you’re seen in the dark

And your skin glows

Because when your incandescent

By yourself 

All the lights burnt out

No one knows

You are just a grayscale copy 

Of everyone else

Your failures are on billboards

Nothing else is seen

I was a little girl once

I don’t know why

Untitled 

If I had to guess 

I’d say 

I died at 23

A few years

After finding out 

Lyrics

In songs are

Nothing 

To so many 

Who sing along

And

Finding out love is fake

Even when your heart 

Pumps out of your chest

And 

Realizing family is turbulence

Sold separately 

Based on convenience

And 

Our friendships are empty

Once fingers are pointed

Disgusted with flaws

That remind us

How insignificant we are

Because

After a while

We follow a path

Expect 

Advancements in lives we never wanted to live 

Wedding dresses that aren’t even our size

Pretty clean cars that go faster than we need

We drive them back and forth

Just to feel like we’re moving 

Like maybe we’re alive

Like maybe we’re not just spinning out of control

On a rock that happened to catch a place in the universal line that lets life carry on thinking it matters 

When clearly 

How we treat each other

Is confusing 

At best

Shoulder to shoulder

But forever alone

Like we don’t give a damn

If every single person

Were hurled into space

As long as our own seatbelt is fastened

And we can afford our highlights that hide the gray and facials that hide the wrinkles

Because even money can’t escape death

When I died I forgot 

Why it was 

I always wanted to be alive

To feel

Everything

In every circumstance

Now we drown ourselves in any substance 

That helps us escape

Realizing we are not who we wanted

And even worse

No one wants to stand next to us holding our hand

As the universe implodes

And love 

In its mysterious unobtainable form

Is all there is

But it will never accept you

As you are

So I died 

And I live

Each day as required 

I love when I must 

And feel when forced

But I realize 

And I speak truth when I say

All of it fades away

Suffocation

You think mountains are formed from stagnant weather?

These ridges were slammed into place

With shaken shoulders 

Ecstatic crescendo 

Building upon itself 

As I caught fire

You thought you could watch the flames 

Without getting singed

Silly human

Flames dance in place

But they spread with time

I will twirl past this moment 

One spin at a time

Encourage the ocean to challenge my rhyme

With an ancient mariner in mind

Never shoot something just for fun

It will haunt you in your dreams

Love someone just for fun

Selfish ambition

Working through all of the reasons I should stay alone

I don’t need your recognition

Or your time

I dance alone 

Just fine

Carry me 

Into the night 

I’ll dive down to the ocean 

Deep

Until I’m no longer seen

And you begin to count

Air bubbles as you question 

My mortality

But I don’t care if you worry

I’m in no hurry

Broken hearts don’t need to breathe

Map

What have you seen on your journey

Did you break someone’s heart

Did you stir up trouble

Did you write a song and play it for the stars

As they danced around you

Inviting you to follow them

To a far off place

Where all of your hidden thoughts are exposed

Where it’s okay to cry

It’s okay for your hands to tremble

It’s okay for your troubleshooting conversations to be mumbled out of your solitary lips

Where dreams are brighter than a lit up screen

Adults can feel again without being prescribed drugs to make life a little more dull 

With the weight of expectations lifted from slouching shoulders that have grown boney 

From all of the guilt lifted up that mountain you live on

Overlooking the common folk

The middle class that doesn’t see the water rising

The benevolently yet naively happy ones

That drink their contaminated water with extra white teeth sharp enough to bite through USDA choice steak

As they praise each other for choices well made

For lives correctly built

For money wisely spent and saved

For choosing suitable mates with no unsightly baggage

What a snow globe we have created 

Shaking it when it gets too stale

You had to leave for a while

I don’t you blame you

I’ve tried to blast off from this rock a time or two

But I’m anchored by dreams that are too big

A heart that pumps one hundred percent of the time

Feeling from the tips of my split ends to the curves of my crooked toes 

I’m sick of listening to people talk

Is that why you went away

I’m sick of being reminded of what I should have done

Because that doesn’t change today

I’m sick of being told I’m an amazing creature

Only to be placed behind glass

If you have a map to follow the stars

I’m looking to get away

Doppelgänger 

Doppelgänger 

Not a reflection

Killing its host in the night

It shows its replication

When doubt is felt through the night

A dream

That turns into terror

Not realizing the hallucinogenic state 

I saw her in the mirror

Coming after me

Unmistakable red nails

Just as carelessly chipped

She reached across the hallway 

Smiling as she scratched at my soul

I wasn’t ready to run

I called out

Just as now

There was no one 

When my feet turned to cement 

I started to cry 

The house transformed into a street 

Strangers passing by

Pointing in disgust

At my frantic state

Just as lost as before

Your phone didn’t ring

And my voice didn’t scream

I never want to see myself again

Notes on Silence

Temporary

Eternal

Waiting

For something

That isn’t

But could

Be

If the sky 

Turned off

The people floated up

The way of life

Ceased

For a moment

There were

Only intentions

That were pure 

And voices 

That were true

Eyes that were eager

And souls that were giving

We would turn around

Be seen

For the first time

In suspended animation

As it was meant to be

The pain would stop

But gravity is stubborn

Our skin 

Sagging 

As we wait for an event 

That can’t happen

Would have been the best thing

Tenderly giving

Just for the sake

Of seeing love

Through the moments of hardship

We run from what is given

Thinking what is good 

Is a trap

What is expected is too much

Should never stop

Muscles aching

Do you see the sky opening up?

Gritty and Soft

It was a place

And I lived in it

I covered myself with the ashes from it

I bathed in sorrow

Involuntary

Not self pity magnified

A parasite

Latched onto my spine

Steered me to my final destination

You saved me

You didn’t even know

The same one that kicked the pebble 

That started an avalanche

You responded to me

And I smiled

I was still alone

In this place

Most authentic 

With pastel colors I could feel 

In the grooves of my fingerprints 

Gritty and soft 

Like clay

I cried by myself 

Surrounded 

I wept at God’s feet

On a structure built by men

Not the first to make the journey

Not the first to leave 

Mission incomplete 

In the holiest way

I woke up in San Francisco 

And discovered a piece of my strength

It was buried beneath a father’s disappointment 

Beneath society’s indifference 

Beneath your lack of trying

I am nothing in the eyes of the world

But this world is only a speck in my eye

I get to to rise each morning

And march across its soil

I get to enjoy its gifts 

With sweet strawberries 

And bitter mustard seeds

I get to discard its mess

One satisfactory speck of dirt at a time

I get to decide what pieces to carry with me

As I engrave them into stone

On the walls of my house

That remains unweathered 

In its portable state

At my weakest point 

I found my solid strength

At a moment that nearly surrendered to death

I found the vivid map to life

I pity the man who walks through life unchallenged

What colors he won’t see

What horribly glorious feelings his calloused hands will never feel

I feel it all in ultra violet 

Send out a signal for all to see

If you can reach me

I’ll be sitting here 

Waiting to share 

Technicolor adventures 

With you by my side

Sunshine

What is the sunshine

Remnants of something exploding in a vast emptiness that is space

A reminder that we shouldn’t be

But every day we simply are

A dare to reach out beyond what is just within our grasp 

While never being satisfied with what lay at our feet

I want to bottle it up

Keep a sample just for me

For the day it all runs out

The day we give up hope

The day we don’t try anymore

The day we say “good enough”

The day our hearts give out

Refusing to love anymore

I want to remember what inspiration was 

When we don’t feel it anymore