Sing

I let go 

Of the ropes

Fell into the net

Felt the wind 

Curl my hair 

Caress my lips

I missed that feeling 

Of knowing where I’m going

Not holding onto the steering wheel 

As the tires are deflating

I love where I can be

Always moving forward

Even when the road was washed out

I built a bridge

I can stand 

Way up on top

Remember what greatness feels like

In a conversation

That requires muscles

Found only in the brain

I’ll twist my body

Create contours where people saw flaws

Because I can build

And create

And live

I want to shine

For them

For me

For something

Bigger than what has been

I will make this path sing

From the words I leave behind

Sink

We live in a world of fake smiles

“How do you do”s

“Wonderful, thank you”s

What if we wilt 

In the middle of the decorated pavement

Unable to lift the heavy corners of our mouths

Unable to bear the weight of an expectant world demanding its rent be paid 

By Monday 

At 8:00am

No way around the noise

Of people living lives

In harmony with their dreams

Of one woman

One man

Happily coexisting

Barely copulating in their icy beds

Made for convenience

Ease of use

Struggle is poverty

Poverty is sin

Sin is ugly

Unless it’s covered

In rubies and diamonds

Smooth along the edges

I don’t want to be you

Or see you

Or hear you

Or walk with you 

Off a cliff

I want to live 

In the trunk of this tree

In my own harmony

With what I built

But your manicured hands 

That stare at the jagged edges of teeth torn cuticles

Are wearing me down

To my core

That is like the air 

Until it feels cold 

And solidifies 

And sinks

To the bottom of the sea

Where I seem to belong

Because no one wants to see

What happens to the ones left behind

Who actually tried

They don’t fit the equation

Tilt the ratios off

In the wrong direction

Point to flaws in your charity

And your great big heart 

You paint so damn big 

And light up with fluorescent bulbs for all to see

You saint

You perfect sinner

I see you from the gutter

As you push my fingers back down

Out of sight 

Out of mind

You are man

You are woman

And you make my writing divine

You Will

And then it’s just you

With oxygenated blood in your veins

No longer contemptuously plotting revenge against someone who never really existed

Because ghosts fade with time

Dreams of familiar touches don’t haunt you quite as often 

You

Different 

Gave me whiplash 

Brain is still buzzing 

Heart is in splinters

I have industrial strength super glue 

Just for the occasion 

But I had to travel up the coast to find it again

What could have been 

Was remarkable

But that type of thinking will leave

Me crippled

Crumpled

Useless to everyone else

This is so old

It can’t be right

It never is 

Right

Can’t seem to get it 

Right

Left left left 

Around the corner

Still not right

I don’t want to do it again

Feel that again

Strapping myself into the seat

Fastening seat belts

Preparing for launch

Let me float in space

Don’t pull back my hair

Don’t tell me what I want to hear

Don’t whisper songs to me at night

Admire from afar 

Simplified sadness with dwindling hope in my eyes

I had this feeling of isolation in my gut when I was born

Not meant to be torn from lips and fingertips

On a field of half-hearted suitors

Some of us are made to be sewn together with souls

Ripping them apart

Worse than broken infected flesh oozing with maggots 

So leave this cryogenically frozen heart right where you found it

It will sustain itself on existence alone

But please

Please don’t ask it to feel again

You will leave

Free


Walking along paths of gold

I had my eyes fixed on the ground

I missed the sunset that was God’s gift

The sky opened up and started to pour 

I didn’t know why the flood had begun

The earth crumbled around me

I started to run

I ran to your doorstep 

You had already set sail

I fell to the ground 

Looked at my hands

Covered in dirt

Bloody from the gravel

Why did this happen

I was sleeping in beds laced with flowers

Waking up to sweet iced tea

Kissing what I had always wanted

I forgot the box I had vacated

I forgot the miracle that carried me up that hill 

I needed to be reminded 

Of what He had done for me

I forgot Him and all of his grace 

In exchange for arms of flesh that made promises that couldn’t be kept

I saw it all as the waters rose

I cried in my realization

Peace from understanding 

This was all my fault

I feel what I did 

How ungrateful I had been

Sink or swim

I’ll watch this storm pass

Pray for a second chance

Again

These sins have been paid for

I am set free

I am at peace

Evolve

Rocks and dirt

Break the skin

Of all the ways 

I feel alone

I breathe in deep as I run 

In the dark

On the path

That leads me home

Not a place

Buildings fall

Not a person

Faces turn

But where I am me 

And that’s all there is

All there ever was

Sitting alone in a room

Creating pictures

With stories

Glorified in song

All of my own creation

Head high

Eyes follow

What if

What would it be like

Everyone falls in love

But nobody stays

Remember how I became this way

How I lifted myself up 

To be seen

The metamorphosis of life

Hurts

Like hell

But fighting it is extinction 

I plan on learning to fly

Okay

One more day

Of selfishness

Of feeling sorry

For myself

Of realizing this life is walked alone

I’ll get up

Keep on trying 

Fight off demons

Write more songs

I’ll learn to play guitar

Braid my daughter’s hair

Try to teach morals into this world

I know I’ve been gone

In the most selfish way

Maybe sometimes 

We just need it that way

I will persevere

As only I do best

Begin preparing 

For the next test

Of overcoming 

Insurmountable odds

Homes imploding

Money fading 

Love remaining inconsistent in that way

I’ve carried the weight of this world before

It’s about time to increase that resistance

Long live the self-proclaimed queen

Until

Breathing

Moving 

Keep on going

You don’t understand 

You half souled creature 

Just like the rest

You feel you deserve 

Peace

And love

That will come easily

But I know

It doesn’t happen that way

We are lucky to be alive

To be able to exist

Sinners in the hands of an angry God

Nothing special

No guarantee

Just an existence 

And an end

But I was given 

A heart

That overflows

Feels with every branch of my veins

A heart attack when it was poked in the past

But now

Yanked from its cage

I watch it beating on the floor

Feel every pulse

Unable to move

You just keep going 

I’m in a 

Catatonic state 

Unable 

To maintain an acceptable demeanor

The world is imploding

The only lifeboat was taken by chimpanzees 

That decided they needed it more

More civilized in their treatment of one another 

Grooming each other

Out of evolutionary need

I am not easy to love

I am a problem the world wants to forget

Sweep under the rug

Uncomfortable to see me outside your window as you eat your sourdough toast

You ask if I’m okay 

To feel better

But you keep going without waiting for a response

This is desperation in its most unattractive state 

Too much at once

Too many pieces

Like my mind that is fragmented into crash scene intersections 

All red lights are flashing

I should say 

I will be strong 

And keep going on

Which I will

Because that’s how we are designed 

Until we’re not

 

Pretending

Embracing my solitude 

Shoved in my face

I am alone

People will say they are there for you

When you teeter on the edge of a cliff 

Once that rock stops moving

They simply label the trail impassible 

Block it off

No one wants to hear that you need them

Until you don’t

We 

Cruel manipulative creatures

Interact in the most vicious ways

Guarantee security just to gain trust that will be ripped away

Spreading love like we have enough to spare

Killing ourselves

From the inside out

Ruled by money 

Thrown in front of us 

Getting us to dig for more

Just to be handed over 

In exchange for bread 

Laced with complacency

I understand why you live on the street in your cardboard box

Insane to do it any other way

Getting kicked in the teeth then being forced to smile 

Faking contentment in order to not make others sad

No one wants to be inconvenienced 

So we pretend we are fine

Well I’m not goddam fine 

I am an angry woman who has been beaten

Broken bloody nose

Pushed aside 

Bruises on my arms

Cracking before you 

“It will be fine”

I’ve been here before 

The ONLY thing that makes it fine is the hope that I’ll never be here again

But here we sit

At the bottom of the canyon

Hurled over the edge 

One more time

Not the first

Not the last 

Broken bones heal

Leaving scars

Not dealing with a problem is easier 

For you

Than trying to make a faceless woman with faceless children okay

Not perfect

Not great

But okay

Sick of being told how things are 

You sit in your private nook sipping you’re espresso uninterrupted

Sit next to me in the catapult as they slowly pull us back in order to make the perfect release

Hear your voice crack as you scream for the fear of your life falling apart

We are the voiceless and we need a caring heart that has felt our fear

My biggest fear

It may be too late

I have no more strength in any single molecule of my body

If you finally come along

Have the strength to carry me home

I’m done pretending I can do it alone

The Bridge

This poem is not to glorify or justify suicide. It is honestly just me working through it. We stigmatize it so much, that we are either glorifying it or seeking attention when we share these feelings. Right now, writing about it is the only thing keeping me from it. We need to listen to people more. We need to let them speak without rolling our eyes. We need affection and compassion and companionship without any expectations of getting something in return, because ironically, you inevitably will get something out of it. Out of helping another human being by simply being there for them. These feelings are the hardest battle I’ve ever faced, and I hope by sharing them, others can be strong enough to share theirs too, because it’s saving me right now.
“The Bridge”

I drove over that bridge again 

But I couldn’t stop the car

I knew the absoluteness of that jump

What it would mean to my existence

I had every intention

Approaching it like a roller coaster 

Anticipation sent adrenaline through my fingertips

I couldn’t stop the car

I thought about all the people that wouldn’t care

I thought about all the people that would think I was pathetic 

Every thought led me back there

But I couldn’t stop the car

If I could’ve stood and thought about it 

Maybe

But I couldn’t stop the car

I know what people think when people talk about this

We are the weak and attention seeking

I can’t explain to you the gravity that pulls you down 

Takes you to that place

Forcibly

We don’t want attention 

It’s the last thing we want

We want to escape

We want to not feel

We want to float in our nonexistence

But I couldn’t stop the car

I sent out a final text 

Every intention in place

Now

I have to face them

Makes me want to go back

People tell me I can

It will all be okay

Things will work out

I’ve been told that for years 

People standing a hundred yards away

Scared their clothes will get dirty

Their hands might be asked to help

It’s just another hole

To dig my way out of

I don’t need a text 

Or a phone call

Or checking in for the first time in months

I need a body sitting next to me

Holding my hand

Daily

Saying 

It will be okay

I’ll be right here with you

I thought about what it would feel like

Falling straight in

That wasn’t what scared me

It was 5% 

Not 100% guarantee

Numbers always get me

I couldn’t stop the car

Flow

I was in a drought

Beginning to lose myself

I will not be defined by this

I will keep being the power that I am

Underestimated at every turn

But if you saw the force with which my currents pour through the canyon

You would be afraid

To reckon with such determination

I have overcome the earth 

Itself

I always keep flowing

It would have been nice

To flow by your shores

It seemed perfect for a time

Perfection is never permanent

And people don’t travel to the beach for the sand

It’s the mighty waves that come and go as they please

So maybe we can find each other again

Someday

When the land longs for the water again 

But I will not stop moving 

In anticipation of an empty scenario with no guarantee

I will always flow with the tides 

Carry the majority of this earth’s life in my veins

You could have danced with the sea

However, I understand being afraid of what lies within