Jouska

“Jouska: a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head” -John Koenig’s Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
I play it over in my head

Explaining what I did

But I don’t think even I fully understand

I don’t even know if it was me

I was following a lead

But I was smart

At least at the start

Then he shuffled me to the exit

I forgot to look around

Cover open drinks

I’ve explained it

Over

And

Over

And

Over

In my head

When I’m driving

Waiting in line

Sometimes my thoughts become mumbles

Below heavy breath

Crazy comes to mind

That inevitable sense of overthinking into insanity

But I wasn’t who I planned

Not for that little bit

That turned my life upside down

And defined myself to people I thought would understand

And intervene

At least wait it out to make sure my body floated to the surface

But I came to safety isolated

I guess that’s why it felt like I had done something wrong

Why the abductee needed an alibi

I’ve been told to have empathy

I’ve been told I’m doing it all wrong

I’ve been told to give birth in a field if I couldn’t afford to do it on my own

But that was the past

And that’s where it remains

But sometimes my mind won’t stop

It replays it

And revisits it

And rewinds it

And tries to explain it

Life is something we can’t always define

And it’s valleys can become an abyss

But once we’ve climbed to the top

Sometimes it’s okay to keep looking up

Moving step by step closer to home

A new place we have created

With new faces that don’t need it all to be explained

I close my eyes

And let the memories come and go

Watching good and bad

Pass like cars on the road

No judgment

No decision needing to be made

Life is good now

Isn’t it okay to just let it be?

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