Flawed Perfection

I want to see you move

In the middle

Of everything

Like a glacier changing the landscape

Such majesty

It must be adored

Carving into something impossible

In the most delicate way

No force 

Just persistent pressure

Like a leading hand

On the dance floor

I can’t even think 

Of the feeling of skin

A hand touching another

By accident

Permanently

Letting itself melt into stone

This will be remembered 

And admired

And photographed 

Perfection rarely springs from itself

But rather from two imperfect forces

Working together

As snow coats its presence

With a diamond glow 

That was not bought with blood

Because violence doesn’t exist here

In the midst of something

Pure

Who Am I to Say

I know it’s 

Faded

I know no one talks about it anymore

I know I’m all grown up

But sometimes I think about how it felt

That I was newly entering the world as a woman

And you didn’t want me 

To be your little girl 

Anymore

You didn’t want me to be anything 

Anymore

It was inconvenient for me to be taking up space in a frame on your wall

I said I didn’t care

As I broke empty bottles

I said I didn’t care 

As I let men throw me on the ground

I said I didn’t care 

As I tried my best to earn back your attention

But slipped back into self destruction 

Every time getting an award failed

Sometimes fathers forget what kind of powers they have over their daughters

And it doesn’t end at a number written on a page

It’s like having someone die

Only despite their blood in your veins

They choose to not want you

Every 

Single 

Day

You saw me read words

You saw me on roller skates 

You watched me drive around the parkway

Then one day you decided

It was time to start over

I didn’t know it could work that way

All of the promises and hopes and dreams

And thoughts of being walked down the aisle

Evaporated 

Like spilt milk

That nobody saw

Until its smell came through the vents

So they taped it off

And wiped the cement clean

Sprayed artificial scents until it wasn’t so obscene 

I don’t blame you for everything 

I really have grown

I am okay

I know how to stand up alone

But sometimes I see

Fathers walking a line

And I feel it again

And know

Sometimes a father can save a life 

Sometimes a father can force a life to save itself 

Who am I to say which way is right 

A Moment

 Can a moment be had 

Just to share

It’s nice 

In a glimpse of time 

Feeling 

Just feeling 

Breathe in skin

That reminds me of a dream 

I had of running away 

A lifetime ago 

When I was fifteen 

And the earth seemed mean

But it hadn’t yet grown teeth

Usually vacant 

And uninvested

Obviously flawed 

Believed to be 

Rightfully so

But now I see high gloss enamel

And seamless transitions 

That make me nervous

Of what could be if the skin 

Is pulled back

The bones exposed

Every cell unwrapped 

Makes it seem easier to hold

Which scares me to death

In a fantastic way

Like waves in the sea

Or the flash of light before sunset

Beautiful traditions that bring us 

Life and constellations

Dancing in the rain

Seeing colors fused

I like seeing your eyes when the sun replaces the moon

Call me when you’re ready

It’s always in time 

I’ll climb in this dinghy 

Rock with each wave

Tilt my head back 

Embracing the light

Hear your voice

And smile

I don’t have to look to see you’re 

Steering this vessel home

 

High Def Love

I love you in high def

Even when you test the boundaries

Showing off broken glass and paint on the walls

I’m not into playing pretend 

Fake smiles on the sidewalk

You know when I’m disappointed 

But I regret having a raised voice

When it feels like the earth is spinning at a faster speed than gravity can maintain

I should inhale deeply and reflect on the cause 

But sometimes I’m tired

And all the time

I’m tired

I’m moving muscles in my arms 

And jumping synaptic gaps 

To ensure that we can live

Then I have to be here 

A model for how you should be

But not always replicating what I hope you could see

Please hold on to the laughter 

And the colors

And kicking the ball

The things in between getting from here to there

When singing was loving every note 

Sung off key

And laughing at words that remind us of sounds we normally don’t say

I think about you when you’re not next to me

I miss you even when you are near 

I know we won’t always be so close

And I’ll long to see your light bulb face

So please make a silly look to fill up that space

And think about how it feels

To embrace a feeling that knows I’ll always hold you dear

Caution

Sometimes I feel

Hammers 

And nails

Under the skin

Its heavy

And metal

And rusted

And it doesn’t fit onto my back

So they strapped it to my shoulders

With leather 

That wedges its way under my skin

Until it becomes a part of my cells that welcome it in

I didn’t always wear it

Not in its wholeness

But a part of me knew it was my burden to bare

Prepping 

For the weight 

Knowing it would be pressing down

Until my knees hit the ground

Sometimes I’m lifted up

And told it won’t be so bad

But it’s always figured out 

That its not fair

To bring down the buoyancy of their vessel

With the excess weight of my burden 

I’ve tried 

To learn 

How to to walk upright 

Without hunching my back

But my muscles quiver just thinking of the strength needed for that

I feel pressure to be good enough so that someone can see who I was 

When my legs weren’t bowed and my eyes weren’t covered by shadows 

But maybe even that is too much

To think on 

When the wrinkles in my brain are attempting to straighten themselves out so you won’t see all of the flaws in me

My path is crooked 

And steep

And possibly insurmountable  

Proceed with caution

One Foot Passes Another

One foot passes another

Up cold wooden stairs

Following sounds of your voice

That echo through the raised ceiling

You are alone in your astounding state

That draws in light 

Demanding its presence through your eyes 

It is something I’ve never seen

It makes me worry about your permanence 

But life can not be lived that way

In a constant state of worry

About what could be lost

Trying not to get hurt

Pain is inevitable 

It brushes past us in the wind every day waiting to pick us up and throw us down

Reminding us what it is 

To be alive

To be human 

Then there are moments like this 

Made out of whispers and soft touches 

That vibrate through our ears 

Holding onto white blood cells

Healing wounds left from 

Attacks made in the forest 

By creatures who didn’t care if we were left 

Dead or alive

Now I hesitate to interrupt your smooth voice

As it’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear 

Someday I’ll look back and think of a time

You weren’t here

And I was confused

About the meaning of stars

Seen from the desert

We don’t know the feeling of home

Until we’ve been lost

Never forget

Ventricles

Stars collide

Super nova explosion 

I am breathless

Trying hard not to be so transparent

Not to show the feelings that are bubbling underground

Under a heavy shield that I thought was immovable

Oh

I am going to fall to my knees

Praying for mercy

Praying this will not kill me

For I can not 

One 

More time

But I have never

Felt

Deep breath 

Inhale

Open the ventricles

Of the heart

They will fill 

Like the chambers of the Titanic

Unsinkable is a gamble

That we will surely wage 

On this war 

We call a battlefield

God, this feels good

Weight of the World

I’ve seen the levee break

It’s so easy to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders when you think it’s about to tilt

Off its axis

Spinning out of control

Sending massive bodies of water 

On a search 

For new homes

Knowing humanity will be washed away

Maybe not this time

But you never know

Trying not to think that way

Trying to watch the wind blow

See the rain from the clouds

Feel the purity wash over porous souls

Rain causes mischief 

But it heals the dried out soil

That brings life

Even to you

Flesh of my flesh

Bone of my bone

Let’s let this storm

Carry on its dark path

We can rebuild under the sun

The Tree

Look right 

Up into the sun

Stare at it

Until your thoughts are golden brown

All of the pieces that spill over are meant to be kept

Only to bury under a tree that is not yet grown

That will be fed by what you should have let go

Should have forgotten

Should have given up to fate

Holding onto flannel arms that never meant to hold you

Looking forward to torn up pictures that never had you in their frame

Throwing words around like clods of dirt that need to be tilled into submission

Lay down 

Watch that tree take root 

Watch its shade spread 

Relax in the comfort 

Of knowing

Nothing particular

Nothing specific

Just knowing

With a smile

Those lives

Lived

Those thoughts

Processed

Those pains

Felt

As that tree begins to produce fruit

Pluck it off the tender branches

Stare at its polished skin

Unblemished 

This is what you created 

From nothing

From too much

From over processing 

And then let go 

Buh Boom

Uneven

Swoosh swoosh swoosh

Break it down

Calm down

Buh boom 

Buh boom

Buh boom

You tell me things I can’t see

And it breaks cells down

Stranded in an oasis that can not be found

I don’t know if I can believe again

And mostly 

I don’t believe 

I don’t believe in love 

For me 

 For a shell of an extinct creature that shaped what is humanity 

That created the uneven surfaces

The grooves in your face

The tilt of your nose 

The indentation of your cheeks

That tried to see visions of you

 In my youth 

That kept me from reaching out

And being free

I trapped myself in an idea

A romantic vision that led to my death

In a coffin

That was a room

In a motel

By the ocean

Under 

An overpass

Where I was first let down

Maybe not first

But most concretely

I believed when you said those things about loving her

And her 

And her

But only now have I seen that 

I am

And I am

And I am

So it doesn’t matter

Not like it did

But it would be nice

To feel a warm body

That could hold my side

And only mine

For if any other is desired

None of it matters

None of it counts

And this is why most of you will be forever lost

Forever seeking

For once you find a fortress

You settle

And she will be your glory

But once you search for higher ground

She is burnt to the ground

Never to be rebuilt by you

But maybe another 

If he can be true

If he can be all of the things he writes her on rose petal paper

Lined with whispers of true desire

Maybe just maybe 

Buh boom 

Buh boom

Buh boom