Battling Pain

Playing games
Pretending it doesn’t feel bad

How long have we been doing this? 

We push the hurt down so far it leaks into our cells

Irony: we do this so we won’t get hurt

Yelling to prove a point

Hitting to stop violence 

Using insults to reveal condemnation

We pride ourselves that we have degrees, careers, awards, and acknowledgements

Does any of it mean anything? 

You come here wanting to help

But all of your words are daggers of resentment pointing at me with blame

Then it just stops 

Because when will the needing stop

When will I finally have my shit together 

Maybe never 

But this struggle is dragging me through the dirt at 30 mph

Too slow to kill me

But fast enough to let the pebbles dig into my skin 

Go back to your lives

I text too much

Hide your eyes

I hurt too much 

I wear it on my face without shame

I want loyalty and it is that, not chivalry, that is dead

Chivalry is easy 

It gets you into girl’s beds 

Wanting to return every night is hard 

Why would you? 

When you can try a new flavor with the click of a mouse

How dare I want just one 

How dare I ask sisters to help braid my hair 

How dare I ask family to keep me from cutting off this arm that is stuck

Yes, the pain is in my cells 

And it’s a battle even unchecked cancer could not win


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