Nighttime Ramblings

Know this

Break it

Burn it

Send it out to sea

I want to find an ear to listen

But every time, I end up 

Shooting down an albatross


All the crew is dead 


For affection

My back is curved

My eyes are uncertain 

My hands are positioned to defend if necessary

I’ve blended into my surroundings

A defense mechanism I inherited

A few generations ago from my 

Grandmother who knew Vikings 

And would guide them all home

But my grandfather hated the cold

I can’t define this feeling

As it smothers all of me

I can’t escape the blanket of 

Needing something that is missing

I should have this all figured out but sometimes the holes form in the corners where they can be missed and sometimes not feeling is closer to home and sometimes I can’t stop from crying even though I hate the taste of salt and sometimes I need to be told it’s ok while arms are wrapping around too tight for me to try and pull away and sometimes the air is too heavy and I don’t know how to breathe and sometimes I don’t have the answers and I don’t know what to do and I can’t carry these papers without a few blowing away
I’m sorry 

I’m sorry

I’m sorry 

I hear it over and over in my head

But maybe it’s not me who needs to apologize

Maybe I say it so much because I’m hoping it will catch itself on the flagpole and boomerang back to my ears but from the mouth of someone who means it and doesn’t intend to let it be the last words spoken because they care too much 

Wrinkles in my mind

Ironing themselves out too straight

The moon is calling my heart to bed

My eyes are gaining weight

Maybe it’s ok sometimes to just 

Go to sleep


But maybe it’s cruel to end the day this way

Such a shitty day

With questions and uncertainty

Maybe today I’ll let myself think


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